I don’t really know what to write, though I felt like writing a blog. There are so many thoughts and frustrations running around in my head at this present moment in time that I can’t quite put them down to paper.
Firstly, birthdays suck. It’s true that they really do get worse as you get older. I don’t know what I was expecting, that something might give me some brief moment of happiness like ‘hey this isn’t just like any other day’. Today, has been pretty boring and average and now it’s getting dark. A lot of people reading this will think I’m just moaning. You’re probably right. I’m lucky in a lot of ways, yes I know that. I have a home, plenty of things and a job. But there are more important things in life than things. Yeah I know that’s a bit of an oxymoron, but you know what I mean.
I guess I’m mainly pissed off because I thought today would be a nice day, a bit different to a regular day of being at home being down. I even got up early for some reason. Since then I’ve been sat in my living room, the heating on, which is giving me a headache, watching episodes of Big Bang Theory in an effort to make me laugh. My mum came up to spend it with me, but she has spent most of the day in bed. I know it’s not her fault, and really I can’t blame her for being ill. It just sucks. And now I’m mostly pissed off with myself, for caring too much about things and letting stupid little things get me down. Life just feels pretty futile sometimes. I watch people go by without a care in the world, getting on with their lives and all I can ever do is think.
God I sound like an arse. I really don’t know if I should post this. But I felt like doing some writing and this is what came to mind. Or what was on my mine, or whatever. I suppose this is what a blog is for? to update people and get things of your shoulders.
There is one birthday message that is missing. Stupidly it would have made my day. But I suppose it was too much to expect. I hate burnt bridges, I can never hold grudges with people and I can never understand how other people seem so capable of it. The last two years have been pretty crap for that. I fucked up and ruined my relationship, once again by trying to do the right thing, and a really good friendship and I’ve been lonely ever since. Something about this will always seem like this isn’t how it was meant to be. Like I stepped over to some alternate mirror universe where everything is just wrong. Or maybe I just have the inuring ability to ruin everything? Nothing ever does seem to go quite to plan. Ooops I’m moaning again.
I don’t really know where to go from here except to keep surviving and trying to put on a brave face on things. So I’m going to go for a walk, I need to get out of the house and hopefully cure this headache.
Thanks to those of you who did wish me a happy birthday.
Here’s to a better Christmas. Thanks for reading and sorry for sounding like a moaning idiot.